Thursday, December 04, 2008

Spidey

Recently, I was emailing with a friend about those gigantic spiders that you see around these here parts. Some people call them writing spiders and some people call them banana spiders, but I just call them really scary. I hate how they aggressively bounce up and down on their webs when you come near. Anyway, it reminded me of this story:

Long, long ago, in a land far away, Thomas and I used to live in a big old converted Victorian. In a closet beneath the stairs, there lived a small boy with a lightning shaped--no wait. This was before I met that guy. In a closet beneath the stairs was the smallest bathroom in the land, and in the bathroom, beneath the foot of the sink, there lived a monstrous spider. He was very large, and very black. He never moved from beneath the foot of the sink, though I eyed him suspiciously whenever I had to pee. Finally, I mentioned him to Thomas, whose house it had been before I rather noisily and abruptly moved in with all my stuff and two unruly dogs.

Me: Did you know there's a monstrous black spider living in the smallest bathroom in the land?
Thomas: Oh, yeah. That's spidey. He's ok.
Me: Yeah, he doesn't move much.
Thomas: That's because he knows the rules.

Somehow, I was calmed by this, and I grew to love Spidey as I would a pet. He just looked at me blackly while I peed, and ate mosquitos and took up all the real estate. He was a fine, fine spider.

One day, we came home from the bar and Spidey was in the hallway.

"It's Spidey!!" I shrieked. "He's escaped the smallest bathroom in the land!"

I bent down to inspect him and to enquire after his health, when suddenly Thomas's foot came down and smashed my monstrous black spider.

Me: Thomas! What the fuck? That was Spidey!!!
Thomas: He knew the rules.

I still miss him.

26 comments:

penelope said...

Poor Spidey. He had his uses, if only he played by the rules.

Hey Megs, did you buy the Beedle and the Bard today?

velocibadgergirl said...

I feel bad for Spidey, but this is HILARIOUS. I, too, have rules for spiders. Stay in your web, stay smaller than a penny or so, and you can live. Grow larger than a penny, or try to crawl on my person, and YOU DIE.

Megs said...

Pen, a friend of mine had a copy sent to me as a gift for editing her work, so I didn't get to join the bookstore fun today. Did you get it?

penelope said...

I did get it! I was at Target, it was on sale, what could I do. I've read the first tale so far. It's so short, I want to take my time and make it last! So far, it's just so damn clever, I could cry. I think she had a lot of fun writing this one. :)

Megs said...

I heard it's filled with awesome new info--names of previous Dark Lords, Malfoy stuff.... I can't wait for mine to get here. Squee!

steph said...

ha! that is pretty hilarious. i think i would have done the same thing.

until i moved to florida, i never knew bugs could be so enormous. it is scary.

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