Thursday, July 06, 2006

Plagued with Self Doubt

I'm sorry that this is not funny pictures of drunk people eating lasagna. I'll post some pictures from Thomas's birthday later on today or tomorrow.

I'm kind of freaking out about my job, which I know makes no sense, but there it is. I feel like I'm just not catching on fast enough, or like this period of burdenhood isn't ending as quickly as I would have hoped. I'm still bumbling and confused; I still forget things; I still make mistakes. I don't even know what all the rooms are called, yet! If someone says into my earpiece, "I need help with charting in OP-2," I might know how to chart, but I don't know where OP-2 is. I'm past the point where I feel like I can ask that.

When I was 14, my mom went back to work after being an at-home mom for my whole life. She jumped straight into being someone's personal assistant and she did that job until my family was financially stable enough for her to come back home (about 5 years). I wish I could call her now and ask her if it was hard, if she made mistakes, if she sometimes felt like there were things she should just know.
I mean, I'm starting to feel like something's wrong with me, like why am I not good at ANYTHING? I don't automatically understand copiers, I have trouble with my weird headset, I seem lately to have difficulty even just being bubbly.

I really do feel like I've never done anything that I was truly a natural at. I'm sure that's not true, but that's how I feel right now.

I know what my mom will say if I ask her. She'll say of course it's hard and she'll say that I'm probably smarter than any of those people and that I'll catch on in no time and I know that she means that, but in my heart, I know it isn't true. Those girls are just as smart as I am, if not more so. And I'm never going to be able to cram into the next few weeks what they've learned and developed in the last 6 years.

I just don't want to be a dissapointment to people. I don't want to feel like a walking apology. I don't want to be shown any more of my mistakes.

Damn, I don't want to go to work today.



penelope said...

Give yourself 3 months. This is what it takes to really learn and get used to ANY new job. I do this to myself constantly--it's the thinking too much that will get you and make you doubt every little thing. (Like copiers, being cheerful, putting one foot in front of the other to walk or whatever.) In a few months, you'll look back at this blog and laugh. Seriously.

Cue Gal said...

Penelope is right. New jobs blow for the first...while. Three months is pretty fair. I know that I'd just resign myself to the fact that I was an on-the-job idiot, and I was never going to catch on ever, and then one day I'd realize that it was all easy somehow, and I couldn't quite remember when the switch had taken place. You will definitely be okay, here. And it is definitely okay to think vile thoughts about work in the meantime, if that helps.

I'm bringing you some Evolution when I get back to town.

kellyrocks said...

i agree with pen & cue. i mean, let's review what you were up to during those 6 years when your coworkers were training for OP-2. totally different skill set, babe.

just the idea of having to wear a headset whilst giving directions has made me trip over the rug. i can't even talk on the phone while mobile without an abrasion.

i think you're brave as all hell for taking on an unpredictable job. also, i remember when you started at AB and were first getting used to ye olde schedule. like cue said -- pretty soon this will be old hat. but it's like santa--once you stop looking it will happen.

Space Kase said...

Without even thinking, I came up with one thing (followed quickly by others) that you do, and always have done, completely naturally: sharing my brain and loving me unconditionally.

Other things:
-mothering your doggies
-having a great sense of style
-laughing infectiously
-being a good houseguest
-making my friends fall in love with you, rather than hating you as too often happens when worlds collide
-commenting sensitively and incisively on the writing of others
-choosing interesting books, movies, and music
-smart comebacks
-your last job
-the job before that
-the job before that

Need I go on? New jobs suck. Every freaking telephone is different, which can lead to complete crisis of self-doubt. "I thought I knew how to use the telephone. I thought my phone experience was GOOD. And now I can't figure out how to get that guy off hold?!?!? Am I suffering from early onset-Alzheimer's? I am simply thoroughly incompetent?"

Megs said...

Thank you guys. I love you.

daisy said...

This was super helpful as I actually decided today during a horrendous meeting where my boss' boss said something along the lines of "everything about this is perfect except the VERBIAGE" (guess who deals with verbiage?) and then proceeded - in a 10 person meeting - to explain why we would NEVER EVER say "This season's all about proper proportions" OR "Darkness falls on bold statement pieces" and I thought about standing up and saying "obviously I suck. And I quit." So enough about me. But let's rendez-vous here in 9 or 10 weeks and see how we feel... Shall we?