Sunday, May 14, 2006

Potentially Wrong, Useless Advice

Lately I have noticed that I am often thinking of the same few pieces of strange advice that I've been given or have read about over the years. My life and thoughts are oddly governed by this list of rules, so I've decided to compile them. I will start and hopefully you guys will add weird and potentially unfounded prescriptives.

1. Never go pee unless you can pee for the count of 8 (source: The Camera My Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen)
2. Never shave your thighs. If you don't, the hair will just rub off eventually (source: my friend Tanya's mom when we were ten)
3. If your poop floats, you are either sick or eating too much fat (my ex-boyfriend Tony, who was a bicycle racer. This supposedly came from his trainer)
4. Do not buy dented cans; you could get Botulism (source: my dad)
5. If your hands are perfectly dry when you use a shovel, you will not get blisters (source: again, Dad)
6. Never turning off your computer will prolong its life (source: ex-husband)
7. Squeezing the air out of a two liter (squashing the bottle when closing it) will keep your soda fizzier (and make a terrific popping sound in the fridge, sure to scare the shit out of you!) (source: old roommate)

edited to add these pieces of advice recieved in the last 24 hours:
8. Dark chocolate is good for you; Milk chocolate is bad for you (source: my friend Christa)
9. Never touch your eye--most germs get into the body that way (source: my sister)
10. Never accept or offer a gun for free. It should always be purchased (source: my brother in law)
11. Only steal plants from other people in the evening (source: my mother in law, who seemed to feel that this rule was not about hiding under the cover of darkness, but about keeping the plants alive)


Kim said...

The poop floating one is true. And it's been haunting me since I read it in a book called "Rules of Thumb" when I worked in the library at age 16. I always check the buoyancy of my poops now. Is that wrong? That's pretty gross and wrong, huh?

Megs said...

Dude, I'm pretty much admitting that I count my pee and check the buoyancy of my poop.

But at least I didn't eat Mark Harmon's signature. :)

Seriously, that story makes me want to bronze you and keep you on my mantle. In a non-serial-killerish way, of course.

Kim said...

Ooh, do it! I always thought life as a mantlepiece would be way better than insurance auditor.

I wonder what my poop buoyancy was the day I ate the signature?